And what you can do about it…
The saying goes, get better – not bitter, and this rings true when you realize that there are people who subtly manipulate your growth.
The good thing is, knowing that your growth is being manipulated, gives you an opportunity to address the people who manipulate your growth, come up with ways to halt the manipulation – or at least find ways to block it.
However, manipulation isn’t always easy to spot and sometimes the people doing it may not even be conscious about it, as well as they might be.
Sometimes too, not even you are aware that you are being manipulated. Either way, it is not conducive for your growth and it shouldn’t be tolerated.
Here are 5 subtle signs people are manipulating your growth – and what you can do about it.
1. They display Limiting Behaviours/Beliefs towards your Aspirations
Manipulators are not the ones to tell you to reach for the stars or to dream bigger. Instead, they’ll question your quest for expanding and extending your goals and growth.
As mentioned earlier, these signs manifest themselves in subtle ways and so, they may not tell you directly, that you are too ambitious.
The manipulation may start with seemingly innocent questions and/or comments pointing you in the opposite direction of your goals.
For students who decide to pursue higher levels of study, the manipulation may take the shape of comments, like: you aren’t living your life; it would be better if you start working; ‘X’ person didn’t pursue higher education and they are well off.
They may even ask intrusive questions like: isn’t it expensive/ hard for you and family? When will you start a family? Couldn’t the money for fees be otherwise used?
Without a second though, some of these questions and comments may seem to have been poked out of genuine concern and care for you.
However, they are done to belittle your aspirations. To limit them. To evoke an air of guilt or that you are missing out.
Also…
Persons who are in the juvenile years of a project or profession, may face similar forms of subtle manipulation geared at limiting their aspirations.
They may be ‘encouraged‘ to abandon a project due to slow manifestation – even though it has all the potential to be great.
Professionals may also face comments regarding starting a family, not needing to make more money or that other persons in their field are the best and so their efforts will not be recognized.
Certainly, the examples could go on. Nonetheless, let’s get to what is more important.
Here’s what you can do about this type of manipulation.
First of all, everything worthwhile takes time. And if the things you are doing were easy – everyone would also be doing them.
So acknowledge that you have decided to pursue worthwhile endeavors. That is commendable. The key here, is to note well that the proposals of the manipulators are good things too! I know, the irony.
However, they are not your priority – and will distract you from the goals and growth you aspire to.
Therefore, it will be good for you to reinforce your aspirations. You can do this by reciting your affirmations with conviction.
You can also share with a mentor the troublesome thoughts the manipulators caused – and have them help you fortify your zeal to grow.
Best of all, keep going and growing forward. Take time to nurture your goals and your growth. In the long run, they will nurture you.
2. They Crown Your Yeses and Imprison your Nos
They have a good way of doing this – they let you do it yourself!
You are king/queen once you grant every request and demands made of you. On the contrary, you become a joker when you deal them some nos.
And you know what? You begin to feel as though you have fallen from their ‘graces’, like you are a bad person. You become imprisoned with guilt for simply saying ‘no’.
Who knows, perhaps your no came at a time of self-care. Perhaps a yes would critically affect your priorities or plans. And quite simply, your no may have meant that you are taking back your power – and acing the control of your life, decisions and growth!
You’ve done well, saying NO…
It’s one of the 5 things you shouldn’t feel guilty about.
As a matter of fact, its one of those simple things that seem so hard to do sometimes.
Manipulators rely on you to keep serving yeses. They welcome you with open arms once you take your affirmative purse with you.
Your time, energy, resources, skills, talents and qualifications can do wonders for others. That is wonderful… sharing with others so long as you do not exhaust and wreck yourself.
However, you learn a great deal in those moments when you say no. You get to realize who understands and support your nos even if they are on the receiving end of that no. They care for you.
On the other hand, manipulators care for themselves only – at the expense of making you feel horrible for saying no.
The best remedy for them? No.
3. They keep you Reliant, Dependent, Trapped.
If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime.
Unknown
The crux of this quote is that independence and education are good tools for living a worthwhile life.
Imagine a situation where someone with know-how on certain lessons in life, refuse to teach you – under the aegis that you will become independent and not need them.
Is this love or even a good thought? Why wouldn’t another person want someone to be independent? In the sense that they can do things for themselves? Fear of not feeling relied upon? Fear of that person sailing of?
Many intimate partner violence thrive on the manipulation of one person to feel reliant, dependent and trapped.
Those factors are sometimes the result of someone not being able to fish for themselves, being dependent or just simply – feeling trapped by other unique realities.
Nothing smells more like manipulation like these situations and similar ones that are laced with abuse under the guise of love and care.
Here’s what you can do about this type of manipulation.
Leave. That will be hard. It certainly is easier said than done. However, the reason why this type of manipulation spurs on is because all the reasons to stay – seem to outweigh the reasons to go.
Caution though, as that is exactly the hinge of the manipulation. You really have to leave the presence of these types of manipulators for them to loose their power over you.
Seek knowledge and understanding. Utilize them. Education doesn’t guarantee that you will not be manipulated in this way. Its the way you utilize it that will help.
In circumstances that threaten your growth, and possibly your life – you have to think and do with urgency.
4. They Downplay your achievements
Some manipulators are just never ever willing to acknowledge the good work you put in or the achievements you’ve had.
Their motives can spring from a range of things like jealousy, arrogance and even dislike.
One thing is for sure – this is a form of manipulation. Look at it, if you keep doing well, achieving goals and others downplay them – what good could they possibly mean you?
Perhaps these types of people feel better about themselves when they belittle you and downplay your wins.
As long as you believe them or become affected by their attitudes, they continue to feel good.
As such, you should celebrate your wins all the time. No matter how small they are, or how long it took you to achieve them.
5. They Support your Mediocrity
It makes sense that manipulators will support your mediocrity because it doesn’t position you to grow.
The same can be said about these types of people, they do not motivate you to grow either.
To enhance your growth, you have to keep unlocking new levels of your potential. Therefore, you have no room for mediocrity. Not if you are intentional about growing and valuing yourself way past anything mediocre.
In cases like these, persons may think they are doing you a favour, supporting your mediocrity, and you may think well of them and harshly of others who do not support same.
The bottom line is this, constructive criticisms may not make you feel great right away – but once you look into the insight, you’ll see that its for good reasons. And is more likely to help you grow. As opposed to any support for mediocrity.
Ask your friends and loved ones to be honest with you. To point out areas and habits that you excel in and those that you need to work on. That’s a good balance for growth.
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